My Little Monster-A Memoir on Affects of Sexual Abuse, written June of 2011

{{This was actually written five years ago and now it’s time to share. The last few years have been a beautiful healing journey that has now led me to healing others}}

June 2011- I need to reflect on what has happened over the weekend. I feel torn right now between feeling like I really accomplished something deep at my core that has held me back the past 30 years of my life by coming face to face with it and finally accepting that it is a part of who I am. Being truly ready to heal myself versus being sad about how it has affected me is powerful, even though I’m fearful of what’s going to happen now, and worried that I won’t make a big enough impact on women, or know how to help them in their own healing process.

Let me just start by going backwards to when I was a five year old little shy girl whose mom and dad were divorcing. Even though I didn’t fully understand what it meant I also didn’t know life would be so different and that I would also never be the same. Even trying to put these memories into writing makes me emotional but I know in my beautiful heart that it’s the right thing at the right time to continue my healing journey.

I don’t exactly remember the first time it happened (because it happened so many times), but after the divorce my mother was now a single mom working full time and plenty of overtime. She would take us to a family friends’ house who had five children so we would play ghosts in the graveyard with and other normal kids activities. Sometimes we would ride the bus home with them and also stay the night with them. I do recall a few specific times what happened but also have blocked out some memories. To put it simply, I was sexually abused, mostly by the oldest brother over the next 3 or 4 years.

Sometimes it was having me touch their penis and act as if it was an atari stick, other times it was him touching me, and once I had to get naked while he had sex behind me while my face was shoved in a pillow and I couldn’t breathe. I literally thought I was going to die during that incident and to this day cannot have my face covered. There were many other very uncomfortable sexual experiences, some that included the other brother and neighbor but the point is-

these things happened to me and I didn’t ask for nor did I deserve them. Honestly it was those years that broke my inner child and who I eventually became and am still becoming. I have learned to slowly put her back together with pieces of pure love.

Now I am here, 30 years later at a business conference for heart centered service based entrepreneurs and this stranger on my coach’s team pulls me aside to ask why I’m resisting being here and what I’m so angry about. I wasn’t walking around all pissed off or bitching about anything, nor would anyone describe me as angry so it took me off guard. This stranger was actually an angel put here to make me face this dark part of myself that has been shadowing my  amazingly bright inner light. As we sat, talked, and cried during a full session that I was to be taking part in, he took me through one of the most crucial steps of my healing process- ACCEPTING the anger at my mother and sister for not protecting me while I was younger or for knowing what was going on, even though later I found out it was happening to my sister as well.

It was never stopped or talked about. I lost my voice in many ways as child due to this and also dealt with throat issues my whole life. I am truly the most angry though because I was violated and that affected my perception as having something wrong with me, being ugly, not good enough, awkward, and needing outside validation my entire life.

My angel friend kept making me search deeper inside myself to see where this anger was sitting, what it looked like, how it made me feel, and for the first time ever, how to embrace this part of myself that I’ve always wanted to hide or remove. That’s why I hadn’t healed yet!

This dark little monster that hides inside of me and sucks life out of me needs to be nurtured not neglected. For the first time in this long process of recognizing that this part of my life that I didn’t want to use as an excuse for my addiction, eating disorders, or body shame and self hatred was the source of anger that needed to be embraced. It doesn’t matter how long or how many times it happened or how much more horrible things have happened to others. What matters is that now I can see this monster, accept that it’s there, and not let it control how I react to it or who I am. It’s not about getting it out or covering it up.

My life is about loving myself unconditionally and every little part of myself so I can be free. Its time for my heart to be completely open and in order to do this I have to completely face and embrace my little monster so here we go. It’s time to heal and let go.

{{Since this time, I am a whole new person. My previous healing journey before this event was scattered but this time with my angel friend became a catalyst for truly facing all the darkness and replacing it with light. It was also a trigger to create an organization for girls and women who have went through a similar experience so she can heal her wounded feminine.}}

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